


The Only Way Out of the Labyrinth

by alstroemerian



Category: Looking for Alaska - John Green
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Chip Comes Out, Friends to Lovers, Guilt, M/M, Male Character of Color, Miles is Bisexual, Miles is getting over Alaska, Miles is moody, Other, Slow Burn, very mild angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 22:24:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13622751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alstroemerian/pseuds/alstroemerian
Summary: Seems like it can only go up from here.





	1. 40 Days Before

**Author's Note:**

> This is such a guilty pleasure fic, I hate myself for writing this, but it's the first thing I've written that's over a thousand words so that's an accomplishment.
> 
> Also, I realize that I'm like, two years late, but whatever.

It’s May.

The Colonel and I are sitting on the back porch of our dorm room. Everything is packed and my parents are on their way down to sweep me off to Florida after the semester officially ends, and the Colonel will head off to reunite with his mother for the summer.

“Damn.” The Colonel mutters, wiping at his forehead with the back of his arm.

It's hot, so hot in the Alabama heat, but we stay outside. It's no colder in the dorm and its less demanding of memories from the past year. Alaska left her mark all over that room. Sometimes I swear I’ll see her kneeling over my bed with that half-smirk she’d perfected, a forewarning of mischief, or sitting on the couch with a controller in hand leaning this way and that as if it gave her an advantage.

The Colonel has the same problem. Last week, he slammed his hands on the COFFEE TABLE, yelling that if Alaska didn’t _stop_ appearing in the doorway he was gonna go fucking _nuts._

The Colonel reaches for a cigarette and extends the carton to me. I take one (of course), pulling out my lighter, and we share the flame to light up.

“You know,” The Colonel says between drags, “There was another reason why Kevin was so pissed off at me all year, and why Sara and I argued all the time.”

I stiffen a bit. I don’t understand why the Colonel is talking about this now. It feels a bit like reopening old wounds.

“Are the reasons tied together?” I ask, thinking it was something around the likes of the Colonel stealing Sara from Kevin, which, now that I thought about it, didn’t seem at all possible considering their relationship.

“There’s only one reason, actually. It’s a very momentous, earth-shaking, possible-friendship-destroying reason, that no one knows about except for one person.” He says, looking anywhere but at me.

“Alaska?”

He shakes his head, blowing out another puff of smoke.

“Takumi.”

Takumi is gone. He’s not coming back. And though I’m as sad as the Colonel is, his sad is much more...intimate. The Colonel misses him. He won't talk about it, but I know he does. He still has the note Takumi left us when he disappeared.

“Oh.” I say. It sounds like I understand. The colonel and I both know that I don’t.

He says, “Pudge..I’m gay.”

I say “Okay.”

He says “I fell in love with Takumi.”

I say “Okay.”

Because it is. It's okay. But the Colonel is not okay. I realize a bit late that that's not all of the momentous, earth-shaking, possible-friendship-destroying reason he’s talking about.

“I..I _loved_ him.” He has to force the words out with each breath, and I can’t see his face but I know it’s streaked with tears.

“That’s why Sara and I broke up. That’s why Kevin was so fucking mad at me, no matter how much he tries to blame it on me ratting out Marya and Paul. I’m gonna give you the short version of it.

Takumi and I were..together? Last year I spent all my time with him...and Alaska. Even when I first got with Sara, I was always thinking about him. That night in the barn? I kissed him. And all those times I left our dorm? It was never to see her. It was always to go see him. Kevin and I used to be friends...until the time he caught me sneaking out with Takumi.”

He pauses, looking at his ratty shoelaces.

“Sara is like, Kevin’s little sister. So when he called me vile, disgusting, evil, and a horrible boyfriend, I just took it. Because he was right. Still is, actually. Because Takumi left. His last letter was an official break-up. He left without saying goodbye and that's my fault. I drove them away. I drove everyone away because I was selfish. Alaska, Kevin, Sara, Takumi. They’re all gone. Everyone is gone because of me.”

The colonel breaks down into sobs. Spine curling, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking sobs.

I put out both our cigarettes, gathering the Colonel in my arms, letting him bury his face in my shoulder. I’ve only seen him this bad off one other time, and it ended with him walking 84 miles and almost dying for him to even be somewhat okay.

I hold him tighter, afraid that if I let him go he will run off again and this time he won’t come back. I remember the night he returned. How cold his hand was when he asked me to hold it, how I became his anchor until he fell asleep. How I should’ve stayed, should’ve given him my body’s warmth, protected him, and instead I left. I ran because I was afraid.

I refuse to run this time.

“I’m still here,” I whisper.

-  
We return to the dorm, climbing into my bunk and laying in silence. It feels just like that night, except the Colonel isn’t pale with cold, and I’m not running away anymore. Me, sheltering him the way I should’ve have. I don’t know if the Colonel is asleep, but I find myself talking out loud, hoping he can’t hear me.

“Chip, I have so many things to tell you,” I whisper.

“To start off, you were right. About Alaska. I was so selfish, thinking that her death had anything to do with me or what I thought we had. I never loved Alaska like i swore I did. I thought I did. I was wrong. I thought I liked Laura. I didn’t. You knew that, everyone did. I was a bad friend. To everyone. But to you most of all. I treated you like shit. Even though you were the most important thing in my life. Still are. You made this place what it is for me. You’re the one thing I actually needed. Not Alaska, or Laura, or Takumi. You. Its us against the world now.”

I press up close to the Colonel’s shoulder.

“I’m done being selfish,” I whisper.

“Me too, Miles,” he whispers back,”Me too.”


	2. 39 Days Before

I wake up from a nap that I don’t remember taking, still wrapped around Chip like a blanket. It’s so hot even the walls have begun to sweat.

Chip seems fine (not one bead of sweat, I don’t know how), but I’m drowning in the feeling of so much heat at once. I slowly peel myself away from Chips back, carefully sliding toward the ladder,trying not to wake him up.

He turns over, searching for me in his sleep.

I shush him, brushing the hair back from his face.

“Go back to sleep. I’m gonna take a shower.”

I wait until he rolls back over before dropping onto the floor and heading into the bathroom.

\- -  
The shower is still small, I still have to squat in some awkward sumo-style position in order to get fully soaked, but the relief of cold water on my skin is just as gratifying as always.

I stand (squat) under the water for a little bit, knowing that eventually I’ll have to get out, but currently resigned to sitting under the spray (more of a dribble) for a bit longer.

I walk out of the bathroom to find Chip awake, reading a book laid flat on the mattress, a cigarette hanging from his fingers.

If there was one sight I could never get tired of seeing, it was watching him smoke. He made it look like art. He brings it to his lips and inhales, smoke billowing out of his mouth as he turns the page.

“You know that’s against the rules, Mr. Martin.” I say, trying to make my voice as deep and stern as The Eagle’s and failing miserably. I climb up next to Chip, resting my back against the wall.

Chip looks up from his book and laughs, rolling onto his back.

“Oh what’s he gonna do, expelll me?” He jests. He takes another drag, blowing smoke in my direction, and I feel dizzy.

“I sure hope not,” I murmur, plucking the cigarette from his fingers, drawing off it before passing it back. “Dunno who I’d room with.”  
“Mmmph. You’d probably end up with some Weekday Warrior. Might fit in better there.”  
We chuckle, then lapse into a comfortable silence.

“Hey Chip?”

“Yeah?”

“Why didn’t you tell me about you and Takumi before?”

Chip sighs, looking toward the ceiling.

“Probably the same reason you didn’t tell me about Alaska.”

That meant a lot of different things. I didn’t say anything about Alaska because I didn’t really know what to say. I didn’t know how to verbalize how I felt during the one night we had together because when she said “to be continued”, it felt like she meant it, like there was time to pick back up where we left off. Until there wasn’t.

But I also didn’t want to tell Chip because I didn’t know how he’d react. I didn’t know why, but it felt like I would be telling him something he didn’t want to hear. It didn’t have anything to do with Alaska (they’d both proven time and time again before Chip came out that they would never date each other) but it felt..wrong. Almost like-

I’m jarred back to the present from the sound of the payphone ringing.

“Any chance that’s your mom?” I ask Chip.

“Nope,” He snorts. “That’s all your folks, dude.”

I sigh, getting off of the bed and walking to the phone.

“Miles?”

“Hi Mom.”

“Oh, hi sweetheart! Your father and I are getting close, we’re about an hour out.”

“Alright, see you soon, then.”

I walk back into the dorm, sighing and flopping onto the couch, sinking into it’s cracked leather.

“How soon?”

“‘Bout an hour,” I sigh out.

“You don’t seem too excited about that prospect,” He snickers, “What’s up?”

“Nothing really. Just don’t wanna leave.”

I hear shuffling behind me, and a thump as Chip drops to the floor.

“Aw, you gonna miss me?” He teases, resting his arms on the back of the couch (invading my personal space, but I don’t mind).

I groan, turning over and look up at Chip who’s still giggling at his own joke, unaware of just how much truth it holds.

We go quiet again, just looking at each other and I realize how just how easy, stupid, and fucked up it would be if I kissed him.

So I do.

Chip tastes like smoke and chewing gum and it feels like being dumped in ice water and set on fire all at once.

The kiss ends as quickly as it begins and the air around us is stale and thick with tension and I’m afraid that I’ve screwed us up beyond repair.

“Well. Looks like we broke the no kissing rule.”

We burst into laughter awkwardly holding each other, the couch a barrier between us until will hear the phone ring again.

“Well, looks like it’s my turn.” Chip lets out a breath and goes to answer the phone.

“Yeah? Okay. Yeah, I’m all packed. See you in a bit.”

He walks back in, a smile on his face.

“How soon?” I ask.

“About fifteen.” He sighs, but I know there’s no way he could be upset about seeing his mom.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing..It’s just gonna suck not seeing you for three months.”  
I frown, watching Chip lean against the door frame before an idea pops into my head.

“You know, it doesn’t have to be three months.”

\- -  
Chip and I stand in the middle of our practically empty dorm. Our suitcases sit side by side at the door.

The motor to my dad’s car is running, they’ve been waiting for about 5 minutes as Chip and I finish our goodbyes.

“You’ll call?”

“As often as you want me to.”

I grab his hands, kissing his knuckles and interlacing our fingers.

“And you’re visiting right?”

I kiss the corners of his mouth.

“I’ve already got a ticket to fly back out in July.”

Chip sighs, burying his face into my shoulder.

“You better fucking miss me.”

“Of course.”

I’m not sure what this is, but it makes me feel things I never felt. Not even with Alaska.

It’s a good feeling.

\- -  
I climb into the backseat of my parents car and look out of the window as my dad pulls off toward the road.

Chip stands on the porch, waving then holds up the sign for peace.

2 months.

I already miss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sheesh! That was a lot. I spent like three days on this ( I don't know why, this fandom is pretty much dead) and I feel like I kind of rushed it in the end but there's still a lot more that's happening so I guess I can't fault myself too much for not being sure if I'm stalling or rushing.
> 
> Look for another update soon (If anyone is actually reading this lmao) I have a 3 day weekend coming up so I may or may not update sometime before then.


	3. 38 Days Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha here's that HELLA late chapter I promised! My mental health sometimes gets in the way so if the updates are a little spacious I'm sorry.

I can already tell that this is going to be a long ride the moment I get in the car. My father hasn’t looked or said a word to me since our initial hellos, he’s kept his eyes on the road, still as a statue, for the past hour and even in the setting sun I can tell how white his knuckles are. My mother on the other hand is full of nervous energy, eyes flicking from the road, to the tension in my dad’s jaw, to me in the backseat.

Its dead silent.

My mother is too hesitant to start a conversation and I think, somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind, my dad doesn’t have the heart to turn up the radio and pretend like everything is fine.

Mom’s voice is the knife that cuts the quiet.

“We missed you so much dear, we’re glad you’re finally home.” It sounds forced, like she was apologizing for Dad’s behavior, and though I know she really means it, it stings a little that it comes at the condition of my father’s silence.

“Yeah, me too mom. I missed you guys.” It’s true, but it’s feeling a little less true as time passes. As the ride continues, I’m starting to wish more and more that I left with Chip instead. But that would be a lot to ask.

Mom smacks Dad in the arm, giving him a pointed look when he practically jumps out of his seat.

“So, son,” He clears his throat , “How was your school year?”

His voice sounds strained. I don’t understand why.

“Uh, fine?” I say. I don’t know what he wants me to say. _Hey dad, school was fantastic. I took up a smoking habit, almost died, almost got kicked out of school twice, thought I was in love, realized I wasn’t, got one of my only friends killed, blamed myself, barely passed my classes, and realized who I was actually in love with while having the less fantastic realization that if you found out you’d hate me. Oh, and I also drank. A lot._

“Are you sure? We were a little worried about you after..what happened.” Mom’s voice drops a couple octaves and I barely resist the urge to let out an exasperated sigh.

“Yeah, I mean it obviously sucks but I’m getting over it.” _Sort of._

“I heard they did something in her memory, isn’t that special?”

“They built her a park, mom.”

“It must be a really nice one, isn’t it hun?”

She’s right, it is a nice park.

I don’t explain to her that it isn’t what Alaska would’ve wanted.

The conversation fizzles out, and dad turns on the radio. I lean my head on the window and try to sleep.

This would be a long ride.

\- -

Being home is strange. I’d forgotten what it was like to have air conditioning that didn’t suck, or being able to take a regular shower without feeling like I was doing crossfit. I’d forgotten what my parents cooking tasted like, or having a big enough space to shove all of my clothes into.

I lay on my bed, on top of my covers. I have the ac running at full blast in my room. Alabama was humid, but Florida was hot. All. The. Time.

Mom and Dad have gone to bed hours ago, but I couldn’t sleep, not yet.

Too much has happened in the last 24 hours for me to got into a sleep that wouldn't involve me constantly twisting and turning until I have to get up in the morning.

This year has completely split itself in half. Befores and afters. Livings and deads. Goods and bads.

I’m home. Plus.

But, both of my parents are acting weird. Minus.

I made it through my first year of boarding school without getting expelled or snitching. Plus.

But, one of my bestfriends is dead and the other disappeared without a trace. Minus.

Being around Chip is always a plus, but 1) he wasn’t here 2) I wasn’t there and  3)I won’t be seeing him again until July.

That would be a hard, hard minus.

I miss Chip, like, a lot. More than I’ve missed anybody, ever.

I so desperately wanted to continue from where we’d started. He is a drug I’ve been addicted to for a year and him suddenly disappearing from my  everyday vicinity feels like I’m going through withdrawal.

Maybe I should call him.

_No. Bad idea. It’s been less than 12 hours. It’s literally two in the morning. Why would I call him at two in the morning?_

I flop over on my bed, facing toward the wall instead, willing myself to _just go to sleep_ instead of bugging Chip who probably isn’t even awake right now.

It doesn’t work.

I get out of bed and turn on the light at my desk. I grab a pen and a couple sheets of paper. And I write.

 

May 27, 2004

Chip,

This is gonna sound cheesy but it’s 3 am and I can’t sleep because I’m too busy thinking about the days  between right now and the day I see you again. 38 days. I counted. I promised you that I’d miss you, and I do. I really fucking do. I can’t wait to see you again.

38 days,

Miles

 

I make to grab an envelope, but think better of it. Very carefully, I fold the letter in half, then half again. I reach for my (Alaska’s)  copy of The General and His Labyrinth and stick in front of the page with the highlighted quote that’s I still find myself going back and rereading constantly.

How ironic. Two things I can’t have sitting in the same place.

I feel the tension in my chest release a little bit and suddenly I’m exhausted. I crawl back  into bed, sighing as I immediately pass out.

I dream of fields of grass, and a trailer, and a boy with a shock of brown hair and a blinding grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. That was...a thing. I hope it wasn't too much.


End file.
